Thursday, July 23, 2015

Why I Haven't Been Writing In Awhile

I want to preface this by saying that while this is mostly a music blog, and I write mostly to inform and entertain others about music, this is also my blog. This post is not about music, and is about something very personal to me.

I wrote a recap of Forecastle Festival on Monday. That was my first post in three months. I feel a bit embarrassed to take such a long break, as I would normally post multiple times a week. At first, I slowed down because I was busy. Spring break and school ending soon left very little time for me to research music and write. But I told myself that once summer started I would write again.

The start of my summer was June 6. That was the day I graduated from high school. My sister, step dad, and mom all came out to watch me graduate, and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I noticed that my dad wasn't there. My parents had been divorced since I was three, and my dad was often late to events, so I assumed he either forgot to show up, or just sat in the wrong area and I couldn't find him. So I left with my sister to go to his apartment, so that we could at least have lunch together.

When I opened the door, I saw my dad slumped over in his bed, not breathing. I called the paramedics and attempted to do CPR on him, but it was no avail. My father died of a heart attack the night before my graduation.

It was sudden, horrific, and something I would never wish on my worst enemy. I've been dogged by the images in my mind of how I found him, and the fact that the sweetest, most loving man in my life is gone forever. The first two weeks were odd. I was still in shock, and couldn't really feel anything. But after that grief set in, and an awful mix of nostalgia, depression, pain, and loneliness have been washing over me a lot since then.

It's been about six weeks now. I'm no where near over grieving, and I still feel pain each and every day, and I will for many days to come. This has been the hardest, most exhausting time of my life, but I am making it through this. The march is dark and heavy, but each day the light gets brighter and the weight gets lighter. I will still feel waves of grief for many years after this, probably for the rest of my life, but I know I will get through this, and I will be a stronger man because of it.

Without the love and support from my friends and family, I would be in a much different, much worse scenario. The outpouring of loving has been astonishing, and I was dumbfounded by the amount of people who came to my father's funeral. I would like to thank all of those who have supported me, especially my mother and my friends Alex and JohnRoss, who have been my rocks. And I couldn't be more proud of or more loving of my sister, who was with me when we found our dad. She has been stronger than I have and has comforted me when she was the one who needed comfort.

During this time of grief, one thing oddly stuck out to me: people kept asking about my blog. Family who I hadn't seen in 10 years and acquaintances I've only met a few times would ask me if i was still writing. And I told them no. I just couldn't handle all this writing while I was grieving so heavily.

But then I got a press pass to Forecastle. I applied for one many months ago, but had completely forgotten, and I honestly never thought I would actually get one. But I did, and had a great time. On the last night I sat in the back of the crowd and watched Widespread Panic play as the sun set. I realized that if things were different, I would have been sitting right next to my dad watching them play. It hit me then that I needed to start writing again. My dad loved this blog, and read every post even when he didn't understand any of them. So I've started writing again, for him and for me.

Dedicated to Nicholas Eastman  

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